Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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