I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
