he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He better not be in your backpack
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
