Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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