I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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