why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
