I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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