Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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