bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
