Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
