im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
