i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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