If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
