Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
