Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
