two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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