The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
