ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
