He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
