i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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