Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize