we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
