And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
