It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
