hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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