I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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