So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize