be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
