First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
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