Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
