Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Non-Jews are for practice
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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