and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
