My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
