A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
