Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize