Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
