U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
