It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
