my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
