she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
