your parents love me but you hate me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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