her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
