I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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