You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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