Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
