The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
