Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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