im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
