I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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