To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
