she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize