Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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