someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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