If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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