if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Terrible idea I love it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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