i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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