Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize